Friday, March 7, 2014

Zeus and the Quivering Goats of Mount Olympus

Zeus is fearless, and hardly one who could be accused of having an addled mind. If Mensa had a forum for intellectually superior felines, finding and tracking Zeus might be their crowning achievement. His superior intelligence lends itself to calculated and premeditated acts, and obsessive fixations on things that are often better off left alone. He also has very specific and cultivated taste in all things, and has a preference for luxurious textures and courtly fineries. Zeus recently articulated his fetishistic desire to possess and covet all of my goat hair makeup brushes. I don't know why he finds Hakuhodo and Tom Ford brushes inherently more appealing than the others, but they are most assuredly the objects of his desire. What is curious is that he only has interest in the goat hair brushes. They have all been washed multiple times, and no longer possess that earthy goat scent-- perhaps it is because they are white-haired as is he.
Kept safe and sound, or so I thought, locked away in a medicine cabinet behind the closed door of the master bathroom, the opportunity to mount a military campaign to seize the quivering goats doesn't present itself too often. However, the honed mind of this obsessive genius is immediately alerted whenever someone opens the bathroom door, and trust me when I tell you that this magical sound will rouse him from even the deepest sleep rooms away. He moves like a ninja with extraordinary precision and graceful balletic flair, and traveling at the speed of light he appears on the sink and immediately employs his delicate safe-cracking techniques in an effort to open the cabinet door. The foolish and careless human who dares to improperly fasten the door will quickly note that the quivering goats get abducted at record speed and without incident.
The quivering goats
The Tom Ford Bronzer Brush, in its infinite fluffiness, proves too tempting to forgo. Zeus is rendered defenseless against the charms of this luxurious brush and easily succumbs to his temptation.
I'll get you, my pretty...
Tom Ford just gets me. I know that he had me in mind when he created this brush. Maybe I should live with him instead because I am pretty sure that he would be far more generous with these beauties. I wonder if he has a whole wing of his house filled with them. I bet he does!
It really has the most beautiful and rich bouquet. I'm just intoxicated by this hypnotic scent, and would give my right dewclaw to have one of these that was my size so that we could spoon. I'm getting lightheaded just thinking about it.
 I really must get closer. 
 Fore(paw)play
Ah yes, I love that Hakuhodo Mizubake brush on that high shelf-- it fits in my mouth so perfectly. I feel so triumphant when I run through the house gripping it in my teeth so lovingly. This is infinitely better than killing a bird-- such a messy and uncivilized proposition. I must take it from that woman once and for all because I need it far more than she does!
If  only I had opposable thumbs I could get in here all of the time without having to wait for the humans to open the door to the treasure vault. It is a cruel joke, really. I need another strategy to gain access. Every single time that I gaze into her eyes lovingly she melts, and my mismatched eyes are so novel that she gets endless pleasure staring at, and fawning over, me. It is in one of these moments of her vulnerability that I should strike-- now I just need to lure her into the bathroom so that we can share one of those tender moments, and when she turns around I will claim what is rightfully mine! I will have to work out all of the details, but if I appeal to her emotions then she doesn't stand a chance.

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10 comments:

  1. Posts like these should be illegal. Zeus is truly one of a kind - and madam, I don't even like cats...

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    1. ROFL!!!!! You just made my whole day, Monika! Zeus has absolutely no idea that he is a cat. He is a sensualist, but also quite crazy-- sometimes I just call him Caligula! People who don't like cats always fall for this odd creature! Have a lovely weekend! <3

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  2. OH GOD! This totally proves Zeus is of a superior race than hoomins. Also, his taste is just exquisite, just like his owner/slave. I think you've met your match. :D

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    1. Unquestionably! There is no question that he has great taste, and he most definitely keeps me on my toes! He's a crafty boy, that's for sure! :D

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  3. Hahaha oh Zeus, I'm with you! I'd love to steal a Tom Ford brush or two as well!

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    1. LOL!! He's definitely quite a character! You certainly can't fault him for his taste. I tried to hand him a far less expensive brush, which he rejected, but it was as though he was sneering at me! Have a lovely weekend!

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  4. hilarious! you have captured the inner voice of your cat vividly. and what fine and discriminating taste he has :)

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    1. Thanks, Erin! Yes, Zeus definitely has discriminating taste! He's quite a character! :D

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  5. Luckily for us humans, our beloved felines don't have opposable thumbs or they would have ruled the world long ago. Have you ever read A dream of a Thousand Cats by Neil Gaiman? I am sure it would be Zeus' dream ;)
    Zeus is as sophisticated as you are Helen. Only luxurious textures!
    Happy Friday
    xxxxxxxx

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    1. Can you imagine?! They would without question rule the world and quickly displace us. It would be something like Planet of the Cats with humans in cages! I have only read his Sandman, but clearly need to read A dream of a Thousand Cats! Oh, I think that Zeus is probably far more sophisticated than I! Happy Friday to you too! xoxox

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